LAST DAY OF LAW SCHOOOOLLLL!!!!! I've been saying this OVER and OVER and OVER again the last 4 weeks....but I'll say it again...I can't BELIEVE law school is (pretty much) over!!! 3 years of hard work, anxiety, heartache, successes, failures, self-doubt, self-growth, maturing, learning, goofing off, having fun not studying, and not having fun studying...and it's coming to a close. Hard to believe since I remember the grueling days of 1L year like they were yesterday.
It's hard to put it into words, but I absolutely feel as if I am a different person today than I was when I started here at Hastings. As someone about to embark on a real career, I'm definitely more professional and responsible (and according to the MPRE, professionally responsible). My brain works differently now too, I'm careful about everything I say/write and I'm constantly trying to fit the world into a logical, numerated, and explanatory (but concise) narrative in my head. Whenever I read something I pick it apart..."why did they use that word when they really meant this?!" "Why did they use 3 pages to say what they could have said in 1 paragraph?!?" "Why are people such horrible writers?!?" Trust me it's annoying, just ask my boyfriend. But I can't help it! It's the new "think-like-a-lawyer" Cindy.
Oh and that. I started as Cindy, but am slowly morphing into Cynthia (yes that's my real name). The fact that I'm starting to accept - and sort of like - a name I've rejected my entire life as being too old-sounding and formal is a phenomenon all on its own. Is that the new real me? Or am I just pretending to be smart/mature/responsible/put-together? Or is it just a new SIDE of me? I don't know. All I know is the next year intimidates me. School was easy this year...I knew what I was doing, class was simple, finals don't even scare me anymore. What do I have coming up? BARBRI and the Bar....2 months which everyone says can't be compared to anything else that exists in the world. 2 months of brutal cramming, overwhelming anxiety, and a constant feeling that you very well might fail at the one test that matters the most in your life. Not looking forward to that. Then there's working. All my classmates seem really excited to work....I'm just, not. I'm happy to payoff my heavy student loans, I'm happy that I won't have to rely on my parents anymore, and I'm happy that I have my dream job at my dream firm waiting for me. But I can't help being very very concerned that I'm not smart enough, bright enough, disciplined enough, and thick skinned enough to make it in big firm life. For every positive you hear about big firm life (and there's really just one you ever hear about....the salary), there are literally 100 negatives. It's like pharmaceutical commercials on TV...you just have to take a pill to fix one problem in your life - as long as you're willing to take on the 1,389 side effects that are probably equally, if not more, crippling.
Yes...I am very concerned about the next few years of my life. But it's not all bad. I'm excited to be a legitimate working person and will be so proud to tell people that I'm a lawyer (IF I pass the bar). And I really can't complain....so far in my life, every new chapter has definitely been better than the last. I had an AMAZING childhood...had thousands of fun experiences with my family and had a fantastic time being a speedskater. I LOVED high school and thought it was the best time of my life. I LOVED college and Berkeley....and thought THAT was the best time of my life. I LOVED my one year of working & partying after college before law school...and thought that was one of the most fun times of my life. And I've loved my last 3 years of law school....and now consider it some of the best most satisfying times of my life. So this pattern has to continue right? I expect my life to peak at 80...so I guess I have 53 years of upward trajectory to go.
So cheers law school. I appreciate everything you've done for me. I'm so glad I decide to go to you....and I don't regret every hour spent studying, every minute of anxiety, and all the dollars on tuition. I am graduating a better, smarter, harder working person and to me that is priceless.
I'm a sap...so I'm sure more end-of-law-school reflections will follow...*tear*
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